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Christmas and the holiday season are a very special time of year celebrated all over the world. In Greece, Santa gives children handfuls of high-quality feta cheese and olives. In Russia and Ukraine, Santa doles out ladles of pocket-borscht to excited children who never smile in public because smiling is seen as a weakness there. And in some places, Santa wears sweatpants and Crocs, then beats you up and robs you because you're wearing the wrong football team jersey... lookin' at you, Philadelphia.
Christmas in Philly
In Canada, we celebrate with the Annual Holiday ChristMoose Slap. We specially select a moose from a group of meese (the plural of moose, duh) that most looks like Drake. This is difficult as most meese look like Drake, but the Drakiest moose gets crowned the ChristMoose. Then we send a group of our bravest citizens to slap the ChristMoose and bet on how long it will take for the moose to kill them. The record so far is 1.3 seconds. Metric seconds, so that is basically 20 milliseconds in Imperial time. The event serves two main purposes: firstly, it lowers our surplus population; and secondly, the gambling serves as our National Lottery. Last year one of our citizens won $69 million dollars. Canadian dollars. Which is equivalent to $23 American dollars, or 4 pre-Brexit British pounds. Finally, one of our citizens can afford a Big Mac combo in the US. We are hoping they bring Big Mac technology back to Canada so we can feed our popula tion with more than seal jerky and steaks shaped out of snow.
A rare glimpse of a Canadian nourishing themselves on our national food: snow
Other Canadian traditions include sales at our most popular Canadian retailers. The Beaver Outlet, for example, has a 4 for 1 sale - if you buy one beaver, you get 4. Just to clarify, it isn't an adult entertainment venue - for those of you that may be confused - it's far too cold here for such dens of iniquity. Plus it would be a health code violation for dancers to work in -40C, otherwise we'd all be doing it. Then there's Windscribe. You may not know this, but we contribute to 61% of the GDP and 83% of the jobs in Canada. We have fifty employees - huge numbers. In fact, every time we hire someone, we get a personal call from our Prime Minister, Justin "The Mooseknuckle" Trudeau, tearfully thanking us for lowering unemployment numbers. We then rub his tears on our chapped lips to keep them sumptuous and glistening during the winter.
This holiday season, our sale will get you a sweet taste of privacy and freedom that Belarusian children can only dream of. $39 a year for Windscribe Pro! Unlimited bandwidth and unlimited access to all of our choicest Wagyu servers in beautiful countries and cities around the world. The money you spend will go towards heating our offices and providing jackets to ensure that none of our staff freeze to death. Winter gets so cold in Canada that our rib cages turn into windchimes. The songs coming out of our chests actually sound like Bryan Adams songs... which is why we need thick, soundproof coats - so none of us have to listen to that trash.
Fact: When Bryan Adams sings, the gap in his teeth whistles at a frequency that makes dogs barf
Want to read the full, uncut & uncensored email? The stuff we can't add in here because it would offend you and make you *scoff* read more? Now you can... on our blog!. You can also catch up on weekly privacy news updates, latest Windscribe feature updates (there are several), and awesome articles to help you sound smart on X-Twitter!
Wherever you are and whatever, or whoever, you celebrate, we hope you celebrate well and get to give great gifts to the ones you love, and receive great gifts from the ones you love.
Love and peace to all you meese!
Team Windscribe
Random Fact
"It is physically impossible for you to lick your elbow."
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